i love both you and the german language way too much
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Dienstag, Mai 31, 2005
i continue to be a teenager and it continues to be special and powerful.
humza's reunion may have been my favorite to date.
i cried unashamedly, with a boy in the room, about things i would normally only have said to girls.
i received deep and amazing spiritual comfort from someone i hadn't previously known.
also from someone i already knew who is awesome.
i was scared by a possible issue with the health of someone i love, but he was well
i sat with people who were sad and could be made to feel better, and someone who was sad and couldn't
i participated in a dance party, and tried to work it like the now-proverbial lava lamp
i was complimented on my clothes
i laughed a lot
i played with the hair of many
i got to know people better
i listened to awesome music
i (sort of) saw pulp fiction, and remembered a few scenes. it was weird which i remembered and which i didn't.
a lot of good things happened, and some bad things happened, and some cool things happened, and a few lame things happened.
i aquired a new hero.
correll said funny things
i realized that i'm probably doing only harm to someone i'd prefer not to do harm to, and i must try to stop that
1:41 AM
Mittwoch, Mai 25, 2005
has "snarky" always been a word, or is it a recent development? I'd never seen/heard it until today...when I read it in three different places (the boston globe, cosmo, and quizzilla, i think). it seems to mean something like sarcastic or nasty, but i'm not sure. I'm too busy wondering how it worked its way into universal gossip-column vocabulary so quickly and without my notice. peculiar.
7:32 PM
Montag, Mai 23, 2005
there are one to two people i really want to like and don't. this makes me feel like a terrible person. when everyone i know sees someone as this wonderful person and he/she just...irks me...i think it indicates that there's something wrong in me, rather than in the person who's annoying me or whatever. If we just weren't close, I'd feel kind of insecure about it, but there're personal differences and incompatabilities and all sorts of things that can account for that...but who am i to directly dislike someone? especially when it's a person who is so universally liked and admired, i'm forced to believe that the dislike is coming from some insecurity or other flaw in me, and i want to ERADICATE it. so now i have to try to figure out why everyone likes this person (or people...i'm on the fence with one of them) and try to see that...and try to understand what it is about them that's poking at my insecurities and the parts of me i don't like...and try to understand the behaviors that bother me from assorted points of view until they don't seem so damn objectionable...orrrrrrrrr just generally get over myself. i'm such a tool.
also, i hate finding things out when i feel like i should've known them for a while. ach, man, do i hate that.
also i'm afraid to go away from my closest friends because i love them too much and i have a feeling that i don't exist except in interaction with/opposition to them. and i'm afraid of being replaced. and i'm also afraid that their new friends will not fully realize their amazingness, and it will be wasted on stupid unnapreciative audiences.
i think my jealous side might be pretty intense...i need to keep a handle on it. actually i think all of the previous paragraphs here are mostly or partly about me being a jealous bitch. it's kind of weird, though, because it's really unpredictable what things will send me out of control on a jealous spiral-o-doom, and what things won't bother me.
am i a hypocrite? i suppose everyone is some degree of hypocrite. yet another flaw to minimize because i can't completely erase it.
so i guess these are the personal spring cleaning-type things i need to do. i feel should point out that i like myself very much, on the whole. i think a desire to find, isolate, and conquer my negative qualities, when possible, is one of my better traits. not that this makes me special
none of this makes me special. my strongest negative reactions to people, recently, have been to those who think they're so fucking cool. which i suppose they are...just not in any way that everyone else isn't fucking cool. humanity is so fucking cool.
if you didn't know me, would you think i was under the influence of some foreign substance right now, or not? i don't think i'm good at judging writing for sobriety.
oh wait there's no "you" here any more, haha. maybe the bono, from what he was saying the other night (he just came home) but i'd be surprised if anyone else was still checking here with any regularity, after all the long silences. and not that many people were here to begin with, either. hmmm.
i should really stop now, shouldn't i. i guess the introspection/whatever has finally served it's purpose of calming me down some...but not much...i have no patience for aim right now. maggie needs a phone call. too bad it's about to be midnight between a monday and a tuesday (look at me i finally know how to spell tuesday).
11:38 PM
Dienstag, Mai 17, 2005
Also, the wall-building across the street is getting seriously old. I keep wanting to go to my car without putting pants on, or starting to get changed in the kitchen, or doing something else that would normally incur no statistically significant risk of people seeing me partially naked, and then seeing the scary construction workers and getting freaked out. I am just not used to this need for constant awareness of whether or not i am fully clothed! *sigh*
5:07 PM
ohhhhhhhhh the self hatred. so much, so often, over such stupid stuff! maggie, get a GRIP!!! when trying to get a grip, it's nice to have long hair to grab onto. my hair is unusually soft today. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii love my hair (everything else, i hate).
4:45 PM
Samstag, Mai 14, 2005
last night i did something i wouldn't normally do...but in a good way...i think... :) ?
6:20 PM
Mittwoch, Mai 11, 2005
i have such a headache. i can't reach a lot of people but it seems like people are finding out. the weird thing is how this is just more life...the world won't stop and they'll go on. I have such a headache.
3:54 PM
oh God.
9:51 AM
Dienstag, Mai 10, 2005
i feel very whatever-sylvia-plath's-persona-in-the-bell-jar-is-called tonight. edith, maybe? like her, early on, when she's going to the parties, before they all get food poisoning.
i must remember to write in this thing more, so it shows when i'm happy, not just the being weird side that says 'there's no one i feel like talking to, but i want to acknowledge the weirdness of my mood'
2:30 AM
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